Your End of Life Matters by Anne Finkelman Ziff

Author:Anne Finkelman Ziff [Ziff, Anne Finkelman]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2018-06-17T22:31:57+00:00

Why This Conversation Matters—Marjorie’s Story

Marjorie’s story depicts her long, happy marriage and amplifies for us the importance of sharing information and of end-of-life conversations. She shared this story with a mutual friend of ours when she heard about this book that I was writing, and thought it might interest me. (It did.)

“I was born in Manhattan and met Edward, the love of my life, a premed southern gentleman, Catholic like me, from South Carolina, while I was an undergraduate student at American University. We married as soon as I was graduated. Edward’s medical career as a hand surgeon shaped our lives in Virginia.

“After our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary, some strange things began to happen to Edward. He experienced challenging allergic responses to things that had never bothered him before. His breathing was affected, and sometimes he would have rashes. With no clear pattern, his medical colleagues were unable to figure it out. No diagnosis and no relief. An undesirable combination.

“Ed thought that it would be a good idea for us to move to another climate, so when he suggested that we rent a house in Arizona for a month to see how we liked it, and to see how living there affected his allergies, of course, I agreed.

“Because we’d always been so entwined with one another and readily shared confidences, I initiated the question that was on my mind without any fanfare. I’d been wondering whether we’d find a new church we were comfortable in, to go to while we were in the Arizona rental, or just stick with the one we’d always attended for the weeks we were in Virginia. Church was an important part of our lives, and I didn’t expect my pondering to come as a surprise to Edward.

“Edward seemed startled, or disconcerted, by the question, however, and asked if it would be okay if we postponed the discussion a day or two while he gave it some thought. I hadn’t anticipated that it would require much thought, but agreed.

“Two days later, as we relaxed before dinner, Ed referenced my question, but his answer expanded it well beyond anything I had expected. His style of communication had always been direct and to the point; this was no exception. Basically, he told me the following:

He didn’t care if we attended church in Arizona. Whatever I wanted was what he wanted.

If or when anything happened to him, he didn’t want a wake.

He wanted to be cremated.

He wanted me to carry his ashes wherever I lived, even if I moved a lot.

He wanted his practice to close and not be sold to anyone.

He wanted the medical building he practiced in to be sold and the money invested through our investment advisor.

He gave me a list of names, addresses, and telephone numbers of the other people he counted on, including an accountant, a banker, two attorneys, doctors, and his favorite priest.

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